Friday, June 15, 2007
"Whisper" by Evanescence
Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
[Chorus:]
Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)
I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
[Chorus]
Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me
Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet the end
[Chorus x3]
Servatis a pereculum.
Servatis a maleficum
Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me
Into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
[Chorus:]
Don't turn away
(Don't give in to the pain)
Don't try to hide
(Though they're screaming your name)
Don't close your eyes
(God knows what lies behind them)
Don't turn out the light
(Never sleep never die)
I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears
I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
[Chorus]
Fallen angels at my feet
Whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me
Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet the end
[Chorus x3]
Servatis a pereculum.
Servatis a maleficum
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
From American Heritage Dictionary:
in·cu·bus (ĭn'kyə-bəs, ĭng'-)
n. pl. in·cu·bus·es or in·cu·bi (-bī')
1. An evil spirit supposed to descend upon and have sexual intercourse with women as they sleep.
2. A nightmare.
3. An oppressive or nightmarish burden.
Today would've been our 3 year. Instead Thursday is their 6 month. How long 'til this goes away?
in·cu·bus (ĭn'kyə-bəs, ĭng'-)
n. pl. in·cu·bus·es or in·cu·bi (-bī')
1. An evil spirit supposed to descend upon and have sexual intercourse with women as they sleep.
2. A nightmare.
3. An oppressive or nightmarish burden.
Today would've been our 3 year. Instead Thursday is their 6 month. How long 'til this goes away?
Monday, December 11, 2006
Happy Birthday to me... Why was I born?
Friday, October 13, 2006
Repent (EDITED POST)
*Yes there was a different post here. I deleted it because it was hurting a person who I really love, but the first (6) comments on this post are in reference to it.*
I know I said I wasn't gonna post here again, but this is something I have to say... Because I hate leaving things on the negative and that's just what I did, self-instigated no less.
Andrea is right about everything she said in her LiveJournal, for those who saw it. I treated her like shit and THAT is why I lost her. True she has been mean to me too, but only with just cause. Things between us have just gotten so bad so quickly I didn't know how to handle it.
But that's no excuse for how I acted. I went utterly crazy and did a lot of mean, cold-hearted things to her. All Andrea wanted to do for me was help. And I lashed out at her because I wasn't "with" her, when all the time I really have been. Not in the sense that we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but in the sense that I realize now how close I was to her heart.
It was rude, insensitive, and out of line to post what I posted... If ANYTHING I should've said that to her in private, and even that's a stretch. Same thing with what I did last week, which I won't bring up here for the same reason that I should not be airing our dirty laundry. True Andrea has made some downright VICIOUS comments to me, but never in the insensitive and uncaring, unprovoked, impersonal way that I did.
So I apologize, even though words can never take away what I did. I removed this post, even though the message got out and I can't take it back. If I could turn back time I would... And no, I wouldn't change the day we went to Dapper Dogs... I would support you. But eh, I've said how I wish to change the past before, but nobody can. The only thing left now is the future.
And it's clear we don't have one. Not even as friends anymore. And that's MY fault... I didn't understand why you wanted to stay so close after I hurt you but I should've just accepted it, been comforted in the fact that I had a friend who would put up with my shit through so much heartbreak. You really were a true and loyal friend. I did exactly what I set out never to do: Lose what I had left of you.
So Andrea, thank you so much for all you've done for me. You taught me a lot, and even though I can't seem to see it right now, you taught me what it feels like to really be loved. You taught me what it was like to have someone there for you no matter how you were doing, or how much they were upset by you... We've had some terrible fights and you've always stuck by me before. But I understand that you simply can't do that anymore, not with this one. This one I've gone too far.
Seriously, don't overwork yourself, do well in school, and be happy with your new boy. Find happiness in your life... You seem to enjoy teaching a lot, to the point of even considering kids now which you never did before. Find a good father for them, I know you will. Take care of yourself. Not for me, for you. And only you.
Your mom is right, you deserve to find what makes you happy. I see now that it never could've been me. I'm so sorry... I still feel I wasted your time when you could've had somebody better, but if it makes a difference you've touched me in a way nobody else will ever be able to again. You were my first love, and you were the first person to ever show me why life could really be worth living. So even if we never speak again, and I sorta doubt we will, you'll know that.
You loved me and I love you. The difference is you told me and showed me why every waking moment, and I never said it at all to you. Nothing was more important to me than you, but like I fool I never showed you that. Like I said, every reason you broke up with me is valid. I wouldn't even want to be with me. Thank you so much for trying, it's appreciated more than you will ever know.
I never meant to hurt you, yet that's all I ever did. For every girl in the world's sake, I should never date again. And I'm sorry it was you, Andrea, one of the most amazing people I've ever met, that I had to hurt to figure that out.
I swore I wouldn't post here again. After this I don't intend to. And this is exactly why I left the last two times: I went nuts and got into terrible fights with my very best friends. I should just shut up, and go away, and leave you all alone. Those of you that have my AIM, I'll talk to you there. Those who don't, wouldn't want it anyway. Sorry for subjecting you all to all this drama.
Andrea now hates me because of this (and this time I think it really is hate). Her friends all seem to think I am terrible as well. Her family must hate me, or at the very least want me out of her life never to return. If that is what Andrea needs, that is what I must give her. It will be agonizing on me, but I've realized now that I am the only one that will care. Everyone else will be happier not hearing about it, because there's no reason they should have to.
To all my friends... Thank you for being there for me. Yes even Andrea. You've always been here for me, I have a lot of friends, and sometimes I'm too stubborn or stupid to see it. Thank you all for all your help and support.
To Andrea's friends... I know you all love and care about Andrea, and a few of you care about both of us. Sorry for putting you in such a difficult position over the last few months. It was amazing how well you supported both of us. And to her friend who made the comment, I'm sure you could see the negative things in me very easily too.
To Andrea's new boyfriend... Treat her well. Make her happy. She seems to love you a lot, and whatever she needs or wants right now, you seem to make her enjoy life that much more. Just please never hurt her the way I did.
To Andrea's boss... Treat her well. Give her the money she earned. And make sure she doesn't burn herself out. It's really good for her to have a job and I should've supported that. It got her out of her apartment and into the world and made her really happy. You were never the enemy at all... In fact you tried to help us, because at first it seemed Andrea was still considering staying with me. Maybe if I'd supported your place she would have. Hope your business does well and that your employees and customers are happy.
To Mr. and Mrs. Keyser... I'm really sorry I hurt your daughter. You know I was just trying to protect her, and somewhere among one of our fights I lost sight of everything I was doing and became the one hurting her. I switched from the number one or two friend to the number one enemy. Just know that I cannot and will not ever forgive myself for that. Andrea is your daughter, I was never nor could I have ever been your son. I will punish myself every day for my crimes... Whether you care or not anymore, I will. I hope your whole family doesn't hate me now that they see me in this new light but I will completely understand if they all do. I will miss you guys, you were all really great to me, couldn't ask for a nicer girlfriend's family. No wonder you produced Andrea.
And lastly, to Andrea... Good luck, and goodbye. I will miss you every waking moment, but I have only myself to blame. Take care, drive safe, be happy, succeed. Maybe someday I'll bump into you on the street and ask you how it's going. You'll tell me you're an art teacher and you're happily married and you have a child who you love and you feel extremely fulfilled. At least I hope that's what you say. And if you should decide to ask me how I'm doing, I'll tell you it doesn't even matter because you're happy now and that's what I always wanted for you.
This is the kind of goodbye post I should've made on Friday, not the cruel awful trash that I posted. Last Friday, Andrea said she'd see me in January. This past Thursday, she upped it to November. She cared about me, and she missed me. She was really worried about me. I see that now. She wanted to be there for me during my insanely hard time even though she barely even had enough time to sleep. I should've never ever said anything bad about such a wonderful and marvelous and determined and loyal person... A friend who I could count on to never give up on me.
Until I forced her to... This will be my last post here, ever, as far as I'm concerned. This journal has done nothing but hurt for the last few months, and again I cannot express how sorry I am. I may end up pulling the whole thing down again, but not just yet. I want this post to be seen by everyone.
Andrea, I hope someday you can look back on our relationship and remember the first year... where I made you smile bigger than ever before, where I bought you gifts and told you I got you plastic flowers because they wouldn't depress you by dying. I know you've sent all that stuff back to me now, effectively giving me back our entire relationship at once. Which I knew immediately meant you wanted to forget it all. One week ago, you said you'd never want to forget the good things I did for you. And now, once again, I make a stupid comment that destroys every ounce of progress I've made with you since May... of 2004. It seems I can never just let myself be quiet and accept your friendship. I seem to try at every oppurtunity to drive you away. And I don't understand for the life of me why I would push out of myself the one person in the world who lets me inside of themself.
Anyway I don't know if you'll read this or not... I really doubt you will ever come back here again after the awful things I said. But if you do, I hope some of this strikes home. I sort of hope you cry a little when you read this, but not sad tears, tears of relief. Tears that say "I'm glad he finally saw what an ass he is, I don't have to be mad anymore, I can just forget now." But at the same time, I hope you don't forget me entirely. I hope that when your stresses are over, on graduation day, you might send me a little thought and think about the good times. We spent most of college together, and I hope I gave you some happy memories. If not, then you still have the rest of your life ahead of you to make plenty of them with other people.
What I do now is entirely up to me. If I live, so be it. If I die, so be it. Either way, I don't want anything that happens to me to affect you anymore. It never should've had to and I'm sorry it did. I know how miserable it made you for a very long time... All the while you were trying to make me happy.
Still, Andrea... Don't forget I will always consider you a friend regardless of what stupid mistakes EITHER of us might EVER make. If for some reason you ever find it in your heart to forgive me, you can know I'll still be here for you. Know that if you ever need anything that I can provide, be it a ride someplace or sitting in at a meeting you can't make it to or even a shoulder to cry on, I'll still be here for you. And I'll never ever ever ever make this mistake again.
I love you so very much, and I always have, as a lover but even more as a friend. It pains me to have to say this but now for your sake it is the time I must: Goodbye.
*Edited Sunday, October 15th, 2006 at 11:30am
I know I said I wasn't gonna post here again, but this is something I have to say... Because I hate leaving things on the negative and that's just what I did, self-instigated no less.
Andrea is right about everything she said in her LiveJournal, for those who saw it. I treated her like shit and THAT is why I lost her. True she has been mean to me too, but only with just cause. Things between us have just gotten so bad so quickly I didn't know how to handle it.
But that's no excuse for how I acted. I went utterly crazy and did a lot of mean, cold-hearted things to her. All Andrea wanted to do for me was help. And I lashed out at her because I wasn't "with" her, when all the time I really have been. Not in the sense that we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but in the sense that I realize now how close I was to her heart.
It was rude, insensitive, and out of line to post what I posted... If ANYTHING I should've said that to her in private, and even that's a stretch. Same thing with what I did last week, which I won't bring up here for the same reason that I should not be airing our dirty laundry. True Andrea has made some downright VICIOUS comments to me, but never in the insensitive and uncaring, unprovoked, impersonal way that I did.
So I apologize, even though words can never take away what I did. I removed this post, even though the message got out and I can't take it back. If I could turn back time I would... And no, I wouldn't change the day we went to Dapper Dogs... I would support you. But eh, I've said how I wish to change the past before, but nobody can. The only thing left now is the future.
And it's clear we don't have one. Not even as friends anymore. And that's MY fault... I didn't understand why you wanted to stay so close after I hurt you but I should've just accepted it, been comforted in the fact that I had a friend who would put up with my shit through so much heartbreak. You really were a true and loyal friend. I did exactly what I set out never to do: Lose what I had left of you.
So Andrea, thank you so much for all you've done for me. You taught me a lot, and even though I can't seem to see it right now, you taught me what it feels like to really be loved. You taught me what it was like to have someone there for you no matter how you were doing, or how much they were upset by you... We've had some terrible fights and you've always stuck by me before. But I understand that you simply can't do that anymore, not with this one. This one I've gone too far.
Seriously, don't overwork yourself, do well in school, and be happy with your new boy. Find happiness in your life... You seem to enjoy teaching a lot, to the point of even considering kids now which you never did before. Find a good father for them, I know you will. Take care of yourself. Not for me, for you. And only you.
Your mom is right, you deserve to find what makes you happy. I see now that it never could've been me. I'm so sorry... I still feel I wasted your time when you could've had somebody better, but if it makes a difference you've touched me in a way nobody else will ever be able to again. You were my first love, and you were the first person to ever show me why life could really be worth living. So even if we never speak again, and I sorta doubt we will, you'll know that.
You loved me and I love you. The difference is you told me and showed me why every waking moment, and I never said it at all to you. Nothing was more important to me than you, but like I fool I never showed you that. Like I said, every reason you broke up with me is valid. I wouldn't even want to be with me. Thank you so much for trying, it's appreciated more than you will ever know.
I never meant to hurt you, yet that's all I ever did. For every girl in the world's sake, I should never date again. And I'm sorry it was you, Andrea, one of the most amazing people I've ever met, that I had to hurt to figure that out.
I swore I wouldn't post here again. After this I don't intend to. And this is exactly why I left the last two times: I went nuts and got into terrible fights with my very best friends. I should just shut up, and go away, and leave you all alone. Those of you that have my AIM, I'll talk to you there. Those who don't, wouldn't want it anyway. Sorry for subjecting you all to all this drama.
Andrea now hates me because of this (and this time I think it really is hate). Her friends all seem to think I am terrible as well. Her family must hate me, or at the very least want me out of her life never to return. If that is what Andrea needs, that is what I must give her. It will be agonizing on me, but I've realized now that I am the only one that will care. Everyone else will be happier not hearing about it, because there's no reason they should have to.
To all my friends... Thank you for being there for me. Yes even Andrea. You've always been here for me, I have a lot of friends, and sometimes I'm too stubborn or stupid to see it. Thank you all for all your help and support.
To Andrea's friends... I know you all love and care about Andrea, and a few of you care about both of us. Sorry for putting you in such a difficult position over the last few months. It was amazing how well you supported both of us. And to her friend who made the comment, I'm sure you could see the negative things in me very easily too.
To Andrea's new boyfriend... Treat her well. Make her happy. She seems to love you a lot, and whatever she needs or wants right now, you seem to make her enjoy life that much more. Just please never hurt her the way I did.
To Andrea's boss... Treat her well. Give her the money she earned. And make sure she doesn't burn herself out. It's really good for her to have a job and I should've supported that. It got her out of her apartment and into the world and made her really happy. You were never the enemy at all... In fact you tried to help us, because at first it seemed Andrea was still considering staying with me. Maybe if I'd supported your place she would have. Hope your business does well and that your employees and customers are happy.
To Mr. and Mrs. Keyser... I'm really sorry I hurt your daughter. You know I was just trying to protect her, and somewhere among one of our fights I lost sight of everything I was doing and became the one hurting her. I switched from the number one or two friend to the number one enemy. Just know that I cannot and will not ever forgive myself for that. Andrea is your daughter, I was never nor could I have ever been your son. I will punish myself every day for my crimes... Whether you care or not anymore, I will. I hope your whole family doesn't hate me now that they see me in this new light but I will completely understand if they all do. I will miss you guys, you were all really great to me, couldn't ask for a nicer girlfriend's family. No wonder you produced Andrea.
And lastly, to Andrea... Good luck, and goodbye. I will miss you every waking moment, but I have only myself to blame. Take care, drive safe, be happy, succeed. Maybe someday I'll bump into you on the street and ask you how it's going. You'll tell me you're an art teacher and you're happily married and you have a child who you love and you feel extremely fulfilled. At least I hope that's what you say. And if you should decide to ask me how I'm doing, I'll tell you it doesn't even matter because you're happy now and that's what I always wanted for you.
This is the kind of goodbye post I should've made on Friday, not the cruel awful trash that I posted. Last Friday, Andrea said she'd see me in January. This past Thursday, she upped it to November. She cared about me, and she missed me. She was really worried about me. I see that now. She wanted to be there for me during my insanely hard time even though she barely even had enough time to sleep. I should've never ever said anything bad about such a wonderful and marvelous and determined and loyal person... A friend who I could count on to never give up on me.
Until I forced her to... This will be my last post here, ever, as far as I'm concerned. This journal has done nothing but hurt for the last few months, and again I cannot express how sorry I am. I may end up pulling the whole thing down again, but not just yet. I want this post to be seen by everyone.
Andrea, I hope someday you can look back on our relationship and remember the first year... where I made you smile bigger than ever before, where I bought you gifts and told you I got you plastic flowers because they wouldn't depress you by dying. I know you've sent all that stuff back to me now, effectively giving me back our entire relationship at once. Which I knew immediately meant you wanted to forget it all. One week ago, you said you'd never want to forget the good things I did for you. And now, once again, I make a stupid comment that destroys every ounce of progress I've made with you since May... of 2004. It seems I can never just let myself be quiet and accept your friendship. I seem to try at every oppurtunity to drive you away. And I don't understand for the life of me why I would push out of myself the one person in the world who lets me inside of themself.
Anyway I don't know if you'll read this or not... I really doubt you will ever come back here again after the awful things I said. But if you do, I hope some of this strikes home. I sort of hope you cry a little when you read this, but not sad tears, tears of relief. Tears that say "I'm glad he finally saw what an ass he is, I don't have to be mad anymore, I can just forget now." But at the same time, I hope you don't forget me entirely. I hope that when your stresses are over, on graduation day, you might send me a little thought and think about the good times. We spent most of college together, and I hope I gave you some happy memories. If not, then you still have the rest of your life ahead of you to make plenty of them with other people.
What I do now is entirely up to me. If I live, so be it. If I die, so be it. Either way, I don't want anything that happens to me to affect you anymore. It never should've had to and I'm sorry it did. I know how miserable it made you for a very long time... All the while you were trying to make me happy.
Still, Andrea... Don't forget I will always consider you a friend regardless of what stupid mistakes EITHER of us might EVER make. If for some reason you ever find it in your heart to forgive me, you can know I'll still be here for you. Know that if you ever need anything that I can provide, be it a ride someplace or sitting in at a meeting you can't make it to or even a shoulder to cry on, I'll still be here for you. And I'll never ever ever ever make this mistake again.
I love you so very much, and I always have, as a lover but even more as a friend. It pains me to have to say this but now for your sake it is the time I must: Goodbye.
*Edited Sunday, October 15th, 2006 at 11:30am
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
How Time Flies
"In the End" by Linkin Park:
(It starts with)
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
One month ago today was a fight about scheduling. I can't believe how much has happened in this past month, more than had happened all summer.
During that fight, I know I went overboard. That was a really stupid mistake that cost me everything.
I was so upset because with your schedule the way it was, I wouldn't have been able to see you much. The irony? Because of that fight, now I can't see you at all.
Take Care. Goodbye.
(It starts with)
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
One month ago today was a fight about scheduling. I can't believe how much has happened in this past month, more than had happened all summer.
During that fight, I know I went overboard. That was a really stupid mistake that cost me everything.
I was so upset because with your schedule the way it was, I wouldn't have been able to see you much. The irony? Because of that fight, now I can't see you at all.
Take Care. Goodbye.
Friday, October 06, 2006
A Day That Will Live in Infamy
Five years ago today, I was promoted to management at McDonald's. I came home from work, and my parents then gave me my first cell phone. They didn't want me driving to Whitewater without one.
I was excited that day, about the phone. I didn't really want to do management, but yet I took the job anyway. I hung out with Jon that night, and we went to the bowling alley for a bit just to say hi to Zupek.
He asked how everyone was. We said "Alive." He asked specifically about how Aaron was doing, and we said "haven't talked to him, but probably alive."
The next day at work, I found out he was not. From someone I barely knew.
Around the time I got my phone, in fact right about this time in the afternoon (3:30pm-ish) on Saturday October 6, 2001, Aaron Minor took his own life.
He was my best friend, and I never saw it coming. He was never the type to even talk about any problems, always seemed to enjoy life. I couldn't have stopped him if I wanted to, because I never would've had a clue it was coming.
I won't say how or why he did it, but it still hurts. To this day there is a dull pain and some sort of emptiness at his loss. Five years later, I still miss him.
And yet, I do take comfort in the fact that Aaron got what he wanted... He was able to release himself from his torture.
I was excited that day, about the phone. I didn't really want to do management, but yet I took the job anyway. I hung out with Jon that night, and we went to the bowling alley for a bit just to say hi to Zupek.
He asked how everyone was. We said "Alive." He asked specifically about how Aaron was doing, and we said "haven't talked to him, but probably alive."
The next day at work, I found out he was not. From someone I barely knew.
Around the time I got my phone, in fact right about this time in the afternoon (3:30pm-ish) on Saturday October 6, 2001, Aaron Minor took his own life.
He was my best friend, and I never saw it coming. He was never the type to even talk about any problems, always seemed to enjoy life. I couldn't have stopped him if I wanted to, because I never would've had a clue it was coming.
I won't say how or why he did it, but it still hurts. To this day there is a dull pain and some sort of emptiness at his loss. Five years later, I still miss him.
And yet, I do take comfort in the fact that Aaron got what he wanted... He was able to release himself from his torture.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
It was on this day last year that my semester turned to shit...
Well that's it... Things have been hidden from me, and I've been lied to before... But not like this. I'm more hurt now than I've ever been in my entire life.
I'd rather go through my parents divorce, moving all the time, the whole thing with Nicole, the whole thing with AJ, losing any friendship I have ever lost, and Aaron's death all at the same time rather than spend another second thinking about this. They say time heals all wounds, but it does leave huge ugly scars. I've never forgotten any of those things I just listed, and some (Aaron) still hurt. But having you was like life medication, it made everything okay.
For two years I was truly happy. When I lost it in May, I knew why, and I probably deserved it. But then when things get back on track, what happens? A stupid fight over a broken promise. Then two weeks of me trying to improve and being treated like crap, a weekend of me being jerked around in the head, and finally the culmination of the Great Lie this weekend. I knew this was coming, I don't see what the point in covering it with so many excuses was.
I'm so sorry for everything. I wish we'd never had that stupid fight over you not changing your schedule the way you said you would. It was really a meaningless fight that could've just taken care of itself if I'd just let it go another week. And now, because of that fight, everything seems to be over. I wish I could go back in time to 3:30pm, March 27, 2004, walk to the Mayfair parking lot, and grab myself by the collar. I would tell myself the entire timeline that's happened since then, and then slap myself in the face and yell "DON'T SCREW UP THE SINGLE GREATEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU. SHE IS THE FIRST AND ONLY THING IN YOUR LIFE THAT HAS EVER MADE YOU TRULY AND HONESTLY HAPPY, AND SHE LOVES YOU. DON'T QUESTION IT, AND DON'T LOSE IT." Maybe then I would've done things better. I'm sorry for every moment I caused pain, every bad fight we had, every time I ignored you, every time I performed poorly as your boyfriend (support or whatever), every time I didn't fix something. I'm such an idiot.
My life seems now to be over. All over a stupid fight that I tried a hundred times to apologize for. Tried apology letters, being calmer and friendlier, even tried working it out with the boss man. I tried giving you flowers, love notes, candy, gifts, everything I could think of to do. Even helped you stagger around drunk to get food, being yelled at for driving you to a place I hate, and being told not to touch you as I tried to help you walk while your other friends just laughed at you about it all night. But yet, it seems like I finally did myself in.
If anyone sees me now, they're just seeing any empty shell. I'll try to make it through the week, I owe the Minors that much. Have to see them this weekend, even as I ponder how much happier Aaron is now that he's dead.
I'd still like to see you the couple times we've still got set up, since you were kind enough to make a bit of time for me. It would mean the world to me to see you those two times... I'll take care of your meeting on Wednesday for you, because that's just who I am. But on Friday, I need it to be just you and me, I can't deal with seeing him on the five year anniversary of the day my best friend died. I'll be as calm and civil as I can, I will try not to fight with you at all. Indeed I doubt I'll be in the mental shape to. Just be there for me that one last time.
Now it looks like Oct. 6th will be the day my HS best friend died, and could also be the last time I see my best friend from college (because you were).
After that, I hope he takes care of you. He seems nice but I truly hope that if the two of you stay together that you will still finish school, and you can move out of Whitewater like you've wanted since before I've known you. Maybe you can find a place in Madison where you can teach, and he can actually go to school or get a job or something so he can get a real life started too. That's what you've always wanted, a place in Madison teaching up there with a boy that loves you. Just, don't get stuck selling hot dogs in Whitewater and living at his parents' house.
Even though I was a horrible lover, I tried my best to be a good friend. I wasn't someone that goes to your work to keep you from getting sucked into a meeting and then getting sucked in himself. I know I stressed you out a lot but only for the same reason your parents or your sister or anyone that actually cares about you ever did: Reminding you about your future, reminding you of where your priorities should be, dragging you to the registrar to take care of administrative crap, pulling you out of bed to go to school, driving you around places when you had no car so you could get food and supplies, and reminding you that you can do better with your life than what you think. You will go places, if you let yourself.
I still love you with all my heart, Andrea, and posting that here should not make you mad since everyone and their mother (literally) knows that. I would protect you until the end of my days with every ounce of strength in my mind and body. I know you don't want that, or probably even need that, but I would. I wonder, though, with the way I found out about this, and the way I've been getting treated by you lately, do you even care about me? I loved you and tried to take care of you, but it seems I was just the guy you were currently dating. I know you say I'm your friend but deep down I think you see me as more like Grant or Andy, someone to hang out with once in a while, not a person who is devoted to your health, safety, and success.
I guess time will tell. We'll see if I'm around long enough to find out.
I'd rather go through my parents divorce, moving all the time, the whole thing with Nicole, the whole thing with AJ, losing any friendship I have ever lost, and Aaron's death all at the same time rather than spend another second thinking about this. They say time heals all wounds, but it does leave huge ugly scars. I've never forgotten any of those things I just listed, and some (Aaron) still hurt. But having you was like life medication, it made everything okay.
For two years I was truly happy. When I lost it in May, I knew why, and I probably deserved it. But then when things get back on track, what happens? A stupid fight over a broken promise. Then two weeks of me trying to improve and being treated like crap, a weekend of me being jerked around in the head, and finally the culmination of the Great Lie this weekend. I knew this was coming, I don't see what the point in covering it with so many excuses was.
I'm so sorry for everything. I wish we'd never had that stupid fight over you not changing your schedule the way you said you would. It was really a meaningless fight that could've just taken care of itself if I'd just let it go another week. And now, because of that fight, everything seems to be over. I wish I could go back in time to 3:30pm, March 27, 2004, walk to the Mayfair parking lot, and grab myself by the collar. I would tell myself the entire timeline that's happened since then, and then slap myself in the face and yell "DON'T SCREW UP THE SINGLE GREATEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU. SHE IS THE FIRST AND ONLY THING IN YOUR LIFE THAT HAS EVER MADE YOU TRULY AND HONESTLY HAPPY, AND SHE LOVES YOU. DON'T QUESTION IT, AND DON'T LOSE IT." Maybe then I would've done things better. I'm sorry for every moment I caused pain, every bad fight we had, every time I ignored you, every time I performed poorly as your boyfriend (support or whatever), every time I didn't fix something. I'm such an idiot.
My life seems now to be over. All over a stupid fight that I tried a hundred times to apologize for. Tried apology letters, being calmer and friendlier, even tried working it out with the boss man. I tried giving you flowers, love notes, candy, gifts, everything I could think of to do. Even helped you stagger around drunk to get food, being yelled at for driving you to a place I hate, and being told not to touch you as I tried to help you walk while your other friends just laughed at you about it all night. But yet, it seems like I finally did myself in.
If anyone sees me now, they're just seeing any empty shell. I'll try to make it through the week, I owe the Minors that much. Have to see them this weekend, even as I ponder how much happier Aaron is now that he's dead.
I'd still like to see you the couple times we've still got set up, since you were kind enough to make a bit of time for me. It would mean the world to me to see you those two times... I'll take care of your meeting on Wednesday for you, because that's just who I am. But on Friday, I need it to be just you and me, I can't deal with seeing him on the five year anniversary of the day my best friend died. I'll be as calm and civil as I can, I will try not to fight with you at all. Indeed I doubt I'll be in the mental shape to. Just be there for me that one last time.
Now it looks like Oct. 6th will be the day my HS best friend died, and could also be the last time I see my best friend from college (because you were).
After that, I hope he takes care of you. He seems nice but I truly hope that if the two of you stay together that you will still finish school, and you can move out of Whitewater like you've wanted since before I've known you. Maybe you can find a place in Madison where you can teach, and he can actually go to school or get a job or something so he can get a real life started too. That's what you've always wanted, a place in Madison teaching up there with a boy that loves you. Just, don't get stuck selling hot dogs in Whitewater and living at his parents' house.
Even though I was a horrible lover, I tried my best to be a good friend. I wasn't someone that goes to your work to keep you from getting sucked into a meeting and then getting sucked in himself. I know I stressed you out a lot but only for the same reason your parents or your sister or anyone that actually cares about you ever did: Reminding you about your future, reminding you of where your priorities should be, dragging you to the registrar to take care of administrative crap, pulling you out of bed to go to school, driving you around places when you had no car so you could get food and supplies, and reminding you that you can do better with your life than what you think. You will go places, if you let yourself.
I still love you with all my heart, Andrea, and posting that here should not make you mad since everyone and their mother (literally) knows that. I would protect you until the end of my days with every ounce of strength in my mind and body. I know you don't want that, or probably even need that, but I would. I wonder, though, with the way I found out about this, and the way I've been getting treated by you lately, do you even care about me? I loved you and tried to take care of you, but it seems I was just the guy you were currently dating. I know you say I'm your friend but deep down I think you see me as more like Grant or Andy, someone to hang out with once in a while, not a person who is devoted to your health, safety, and success.
I guess time will tell. We'll see if I'm around long enough to find out.
Archives
October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 December 2006 March 2007 June 2007
