Friday, December 31, 2004
Reflections
Well, 2004 is drawing rapidly to a close, and as I drive to Andrea's tonight, I will be thinking of all that happened this year (even though it still doesn't feel like New Year's Eve - maybe it's the weather).
I must say that 2004 was a wonderful year for me personally. I started going out with Andrea, I got a new boss who actually respects me and doesn't tell me that her 9-year-old daughter could do a better job, I got a new advisor who is just awesome, and I got a new cell phone and plan that I still love. Plus, I FINALLY passed Calc II. I'm now DONE with Calculus. Thank God.
Unfortunately, as far as my family and friends go, 2004 was an absolutely horrible year that must be left behind as quickly as possible. Yes, I had fallings-out with friends, but that was nothing. Mark's sister Mary died of cancer in June. My aunt Linda died of cancer in September. Ed's brother Allen was mercilessly murdered in October. This year has been horrible for those close to me. I see the tsunami on the news and the numbers don't bother me anymore. For one, they're all already dead. We're merely counting the bodies. So when they say "121,000 now dead," they should say "121,000 ALREADY dead a week ago, now counted better." For another, and more importantly... It's NATURE. We can't stop it. We've damaged the living hell out of the planet, slaughtered its forests and extinguished its wildlife, drained its resources. The planet has become unstable. Now it comes back and gets a few of us... That's the circle of life, really.
I don't mean to sound callous, this is a tragedy. But really - the magnetic poles are due to reverse and kill all of us. There's an epicenter that goes off about once every 100,000 years or so in the midwest that is 20,000 years past due. It could go any day. Five hurricanes hit Florida in a row earlier this year. It's all natural, the risk we take just by living on this planet. So yeah, the survivors need help and I do feel bad for them. Nature does as it wants.
But what kind of sick piece of shit would walk into an Arby's and murder a seventeen year old coworker, just one week from his 18th birthday (which would've been Election day, no less)? Who would walk in somewhere in cold blood and kill someone who never even got to experience his first kiss? WHO?
Before we condemn nature too much, I think we need to turn around and realize that humanity needs a swift hard kick in the ass.
Happy New Year. It is my deepest hope that 2005 is brighter for everyone, everywhere, whether I know them or not.
I must say that 2004 was a wonderful year for me personally. I started going out with Andrea, I got a new boss who actually respects me and doesn't tell me that her 9-year-old daughter could do a better job, I got a new advisor who is just awesome, and I got a new cell phone and plan that I still love. Plus, I FINALLY passed Calc II. I'm now DONE with Calculus. Thank God.
Unfortunately, as far as my family and friends go, 2004 was an absolutely horrible year that must be left behind as quickly as possible. Yes, I had fallings-out with friends, but that was nothing. Mark's sister Mary died of cancer in June. My aunt Linda died of cancer in September. Ed's brother Allen was mercilessly murdered in October. This year has been horrible for those close to me. I see the tsunami on the news and the numbers don't bother me anymore. For one, they're all already dead. We're merely counting the bodies. So when they say "121,000 now dead," they should say "121,000 ALREADY dead a week ago, now counted better." For another, and more importantly... It's NATURE. We can't stop it. We've damaged the living hell out of the planet, slaughtered its forests and extinguished its wildlife, drained its resources. The planet has become unstable. Now it comes back and gets a few of us... That's the circle of life, really.
I don't mean to sound callous, this is a tragedy. But really - the magnetic poles are due to reverse and kill all of us. There's an epicenter that goes off about once every 100,000 years or so in the midwest that is 20,000 years past due. It could go any day. Five hurricanes hit Florida in a row earlier this year. It's all natural, the risk we take just by living on this planet. So yeah, the survivors need help and I do feel bad for them. Nature does as it wants.
But what kind of sick piece of shit would walk into an Arby's and murder a seventeen year old coworker, just one week from his 18th birthday (which would've been Election day, no less)? Who would walk in somewhere in cold blood and kill someone who never even got to experience his first kiss? WHO?
Before we condemn nature too much, I think we need to turn around and realize that humanity needs a swift hard kick in the ass.
Happy New Year. It is my deepest hope that 2005 is brighter for everyone, everywhere, whether I know them or not.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Round Two
Remember when my birthday encompassed the whole weekend? Christmas did that too.
Andrea and I spent Friday night with dad and Kim's family, then Saturday with mom, Mark, and grandpa. Sunday I went to my mom's extended family Christmas. It was a really good weekend. The few days before it I spent with Andrea, hanging out at her apartment after exams. We watched movies and played World of Warcraft, which she has managed to get me hooked on. Last night I went to her house and played Risk 2210 AD. Today mom and I cleaned up around the house after cashing my savings bonds. Looks like I might have enough money for school after all.
Tomorrow I go back to work for the first time since the 18th. I am NOT looking forward to it. I hate work to begin with, plus I'm closing with those stupid cameras, and on top of that, I have to work for 3 weeks straight. This shouldn't be a big deal, except that the only days I think I'll have off, I have prior commitments. Then come the 18 credits in spring semester.
I got a lot of awesome stuff for Christmas... I think I might get to enjoy some of it in May.
I am buying more RAM for one of the computers, though, just in case I DO get some extra time to play Warcraft.
Can someone make it so I don't have to work anymore...?
Andrea and I spent Friday night with dad and Kim's family, then Saturday with mom, Mark, and grandpa. Sunday I went to my mom's extended family Christmas. It was a really good weekend. The few days before it I spent with Andrea, hanging out at her apartment after exams. We watched movies and played World of Warcraft, which she has managed to get me hooked on. Last night I went to her house and played Risk 2210 AD. Today mom and I cleaned up around the house after cashing my savings bonds. Looks like I might have enough money for school after all.
Tomorrow I go back to work for the first time since the 18th. I am NOT looking forward to it. I hate work to begin with, plus I'm closing with those stupid cameras, and on top of that, I have to work for 3 weeks straight. This shouldn't be a big deal, except that the only days I think I'll have off, I have prior commitments. Then come the 18 credits in spring semester.
I got a lot of awesome stuff for Christmas... I think I might get to enjoy some of it in May.
I am buying more RAM for one of the computers, though, just in case I DO get some extra time to play Warcraft.
Can someone make it so I don't have to work anymore...?
Monday, December 20, 2004
Judgement Day
You know, people are who they are. I don't care how they got to be that way, because knowing how they got that way won't change them. Nor do I even care to change them at all. They are free to live their lives how they want, and so long as it does not affect me personally, I don't really care. For example, I'm done worrying about politics until November 2006, where I will care again (Unless of course the draft comes up, then I'll care). But that's not the point.
I am sick to God damn death of people questioning me at every turn. This is who I am, it's who I've been for years, and it's who I intend to remain. You can psychoanalyze it all you want, but frankly I don't give a shit. Think of me what you will, everyone, but it really doesn't mean anything to me anymore...
I cannot stand to be judged every day of my life. I don't like having to defend my lifestyle or thought processes on a daily basis. People have been doing this to me lately, and frankly it's pushing me to the breaking point. I don't feel I should have to defend what I believe constantly...
I admit, everyone argued a lot during election season and tensions were high. But we're all still FRIENDS. And friends accept each other for who they are, even if it does lead to some bigger arguments. I can live with a clash like the one we had once in a while, because this election went down to everyone's idealistic roots. But I can't take that every day.
If I'm constantly being measured or judged, then I'm not being accepted for who I am at all. Bottom line, I don't care what anyone thinks of me, my ideas, or my goals anymore. Frankly I don't even care about me, my ideas, or my goals anymore myself because people just keep fighting against them.
I'm sorry, I just had to get that out.
I am sick to God damn death of people questioning me at every turn. This is who I am, it's who I've been for years, and it's who I intend to remain. You can psychoanalyze it all you want, but frankly I don't give a shit. Think of me what you will, everyone, but it really doesn't mean anything to me anymore...
I cannot stand to be judged every day of my life. I don't like having to defend my lifestyle or thought processes on a daily basis. People have been doing this to me lately, and frankly it's pushing me to the breaking point. I don't feel I should have to defend what I believe constantly...
I admit, everyone argued a lot during election season and tensions were high. But we're all still FRIENDS. And friends accept each other for who they are, even if it does lead to some bigger arguments. I can live with a clash like the one we had once in a while, because this election went down to everyone's idealistic roots. But I can't take that every day.
If I'm constantly being measured or judged, then I'm not being accepted for who I am at all. Bottom line, I don't care what anyone thinks of me, my ideas, or my goals anymore. Frankly I don't even care about me, my ideas, or my goals anymore myself because people just keep fighting against them.
I'm sorry, I just had to get that out.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Stress is Caused by Lack of Meat
Sorry for the lack of update, I'm still not feeling too good about things...
Anyway the weekend was cool but I must admit that it did not at all feel like my birthday. I know that it spanned three days, and that I didn't even work Saturday, but there just wasn't that usual special feeling that I normally get. Maybe that's because 20 and 21 were major birthdays and 22... well, wasn't so much. It really sucks though, because now I have to wait another whole year to see if that feeling comes back or not.
I had fun though, Andrea and I went to Janesville on Friday and ate at Perkins, then on Saturday, mom took me out to Applebee's and I got a steak, plus I went to dinner with Ralph and Zach. Sunday dad and I went out to Brookfield. He bought me lunch and I got most of my Christmas shopping done. I still have to do some on Sunday.
So as far as what I got, I'll fill in some highlights...
Andrea got me the green pants I wanted, and her mom gave me a nice sweater to go with them.
Mom got me DDR Extreme (hopefully someday I'll get time enough and will enough to play that) and Metroid Prime 2 (which I've already started). Her big unknown gift to me was a VCR/DVD Player. She got it because the VCR I had was over 22 years old (she got it before I was born). That was pretty cool. Mom also said that next year the family is gonna get a DVD writer, but they want me along for that because they didn't have a clue what they were looking for.
Ralph got me a shirt from Nieman Marcus - which I cannot get him an equal gift for, I hope he realizes.
Dad got me a couple Matrix things, including the real world Neo figure with exchangeable heads, and the Sentinel. When I went to unpack the Sentinel, a lot of it fell apart. I'm not too happy with the quality that a company like freakin' McFarlane Toys made that thing. The best gift from dad, though, was the Ultimate Matrix Collection. Yup, I have it now... If only I could actually host that party I wanted to have. I'll have to see if I can or not.
After all this, of course, I come back into frickin' exam week. Although funny story... Nobody knew if my Differential Equations professor was gonna give a final or not. Tuesday, the last day of regular classes, he walked into the room and said, "Well, that's it! End of the line! It was nice meeting some of you, others I can't stand. I'm not gonna lie. Would you like to know your grades?"
We all just kinda sat there, when he came back with, "I gave you all A. I don't think you all deserved it, but you all got it. I know a lot of you are on scholarships where you have to keep a 3.0 GPA... I worked in industry, so I know how they screw you. Just trying to help. Have a nice break."
We all sat there for a minute, then got up and left. I guess I'm happy about that, I was dreading the final in there. Although it does emphasize the point that going through college proves to employers that you can handle a bunch of bullshit for five years and just finds ways around the system in order to pass. Whatever.
Anyway, I should get back to studying. I still do have three finals to study for, two of which will be hard. The Business/MS Office class will probably only be hard if I actually fail to turn my brain off for it. Yes, I said off. Because having my brain OFF in that class is more effective than having my brain ON.
Happy holidays, everyone.
Anyway the weekend was cool but I must admit that it did not at all feel like my birthday. I know that it spanned three days, and that I didn't even work Saturday, but there just wasn't that usual special feeling that I normally get. Maybe that's because 20 and 21 were major birthdays and 22... well, wasn't so much. It really sucks though, because now I have to wait another whole year to see if that feeling comes back or not.
I had fun though, Andrea and I went to Janesville on Friday and ate at Perkins, then on Saturday, mom took me out to Applebee's and I got a steak, plus I went to dinner with Ralph and Zach. Sunday dad and I went out to Brookfield. He bought me lunch and I got most of my Christmas shopping done. I still have to do some on Sunday.
So as far as what I got, I'll fill in some highlights...
Andrea got me the green pants I wanted, and her mom gave me a nice sweater to go with them.
Mom got me DDR Extreme (hopefully someday I'll get time enough and will enough to play that) and Metroid Prime 2 (which I've already started). Her big unknown gift to me was a VCR/DVD Player. She got it because the VCR I had was over 22 years old (she got it before I was born). That was pretty cool. Mom also said that next year the family is gonna get a DVD writer, but they want me along for that because they didn't have a clue what they were looking for.
Ralph got me a shirt from Nieman Marcus - which I cannot get him an equal gift for, I hope he realizes.
Dad got me a couple Matrix things, including the real world Neo figure with exchangeable heads, and the Sentinel. When I went to unpack the Sentinel, a lot of it fell apart. I'm not too happy with the quality that a company like freakin' McFarlane Toys made that thing. The best gift from dad, though, was the Ultimate Matrix Collection. Yup, I have it now... If only I could actually host that party I wanted to have. I'll have to see if I can or not.
After all this, of course, I come back into frickin' exam week. Although funny story... Nobody knew if my Differential Equations professor was gonna give a final or not. Tuesday, the last day of regular classes, he walked into the room and said, "Well, that's it! End of the line! It was nice meeting some of you, others I can't stand. I'm not gonna lie. Would you like to know your grades?"
We all just kinda sat there, when he came back with, "I gave you all A. I don't think you all deserved it, but you all got it. I know a lot of you are on scholarships where you have to keep a 3.0 GPA... I worked in industry, so I know how they screw you. Just trying to help. Have a nice break."
We all sat there for a minute, then got up and left. I guess I'm happy about that, I was dreading the final in there. Although it does emphasize the point that going through college proves to employers that you can handle a bunch of bullshit for five years and just finds ways around the system in order to pass. Whatever.
Anyway, I should get back to studying. I still do have three finals to study for, two of which will be hard. The Business/MS Office class will probably only be hard if I actually fail to turn my brain off for it. Yes, I said off. Because having my brain OFF in that class is more effective than having my brain ON.
Happy holidays, everyone.
Monday, December 13, 2004
Sometime I really hate my life. Everything goes wrong, and you just feel completely like shit for weeks to come.
Today was like that.
Today was like that.
Friday, December 10, 2004
It BEGINS
I think I just aced my physics test... I've never walked out of a physics test that confident of my answers since I changed to the major. There were only two problems that I really did not know, and I will still get partial credit on them just for writing down formulas. I'm feeling pretty good right now, at least mentally if still not physically.
Today begins the 3-day extravaganza that is my birthday weekend. Okay, so I'm not doing anything REALLY out of the ordinary or anything, but I've still managed to make my birthday encompass the ENTIRE weekend... Here's how:
-Today I will be having my birthday dinner with Andra
-Tomorrow (actual birthday) I will celebrate with mom and Mark, as well as Ralph and maybe Zach.
-Sunday I will see my dad for an activity of my choosing (not yet determined)
Best of all, thanks to actually doing work in advance for once, I have NO homework due on Monday at all! Yes, I still have work to do, but none that I have to do over the weekend! And taking off work tomorrow just tops it all off nicely. Of course I can hardly wait to see what this "big expensive surprise item" that mom bought for me is... I find out tomorrow.
Exam week is coming. It will probably cost me to not do any work of any sort over the weekend, but I really need the break. I have exams, and Christmas shopping, and preparation, and then I go back to work. It'll be nice to have this time off to myself. Then again, I will be glad to be done with some of my classes... i.e. my calc class and my remedial MS Office class. Here's what I expect this semester, if anyone cares:
Calc II - C
DiffEq's - A
Management 211 - A
Physics III - A or B (depending on how well I do on the test today & final - plus NOBODY knows their lab grade yet)
I'll give the REAL results when I get them. I'll be happy to be done with this semester, as I said, simply because it was all crap that I had to take but did not want to except for physics. Not looking forward to 18 credits next semester, but at least the topics will be more interesting. Let me know if you care to know what they are.
Now, off to enjoy my birthday weekend!
Today begins the 3-day extravaganza that is my birthday weekend. Okay, so I'm not doing anything REALLY out of the ordinary or anything, but I've still managed to make my birthday encompass the ENTIRE weekend... Here's how:
-Today I will be having my birthday dinner with Andra
-Tomorrow (actual birthday) I will celebrate with mom and Mark, as well as Ralph and maybe Zach.
-Sunday I will see my dad for an activity of my choosing (not yet determined)
Best of all, thanks to actually doing work in advance for once, I have NO homework due on Monday at all! Yes, I still have work to do, but none that I have to do over the weekend! And taking off work tomorrow just tops it all off nicely. Of course I can hardly wait to see what this "big expensive surprise item" that mom bought for me is... I find out tomorrow.
Exam week is coming. It will probably cost me to not do any work of any sort over the weekend, but I really need the break. I have exams, and Christmas shopping, and preparation, and then I go back to work. It'll be nice to have this time off to myself. Then again, I will be glad to be done with some of my classes... i.e. my calc class and my remedial MS Office class. Here's what I expect this semester, if anyone cares:
Calc II - C
DiffEq's - A
Management 211 - A
Physics III - A or B (depending on how well I do on the test today & final - plus NOBODY knows their lab grade yet)
I'll give the REAL results when I get them. I'll be happy to be done with this semester, as I said, simply because it was all crap that I had to take but did not want to except for physics. Not looking forward to 18 credits next semester, but at least the topics will be more interesting. Let me know if you care to know what they are.
Now, off to enjoy my birthday weekend!
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Fire in the Hole!
Somedays I wish I could walk around with heat emanating from my hands that is so intense I could light something on fire just by touching it.
I think today and/or yesterday might have been those days, but I'm too incoherent right now to be sure. I suppose my chronic lack of sleep might have something to do with my sour mood, but I attribute it more to what has been going on lately.
After coming down from fighting a multi-front war with all of my friends (that's how it feels anyway), I have realized just how much I have left to do this semester. Between Saturday night and Wednesday night, I did two take-home tests, two math assignments, two papers, an MS Access project, a lab report, and an online physics assignment. I took a break last night only to realize that I still have 3 more math assignments to do before next Tuesday, as well as doing the physics homework that reverted to 70% credit.
On top of all this, my stock dropped a full $2.08 yesterday. That may not sound like much, but when you realize it has been valued at $9.01 it makes more sense why I was upset.
I could barely move all day today. I nearly fell asleep in a class for the first time all semester... I cannot let that happen when I have already come this far. My knee feels like it has a knife in it for some reason. I don't have any clue what I might have done to it.
Only 2 more days until my birthday. I can hardly wait - I hope it is relaxing, because I need it right about now.
In other news, Ralph stopped by today - he has a... unique... new diet plan. Also, Jerod is apparently gonna be a father. Didn't see that coming. Apparently David has also supposedly been directed here. If you're reading this, hi. I should say that it doesn't bother me at all and in all honesty I didn't ever think it was that obvious, but then I never tried to look for it. Anyway, I should point out that Nicole knows too... I don't know if Amanda would know or not, they don't talk much anymore
I'm not explaining that last paragraph to anyone else.
Now if you'll all excuse me, I think I need to go pass out, but I can't because I have more bloody homework to do.
I think today and/or yesterday might have been those days, but I'm too incoherent right now to be sure. I suppose my chronic lack of sleep might have something to do with my sour mood, but I attribute it more to what has been going on lately.
After coming down from fighting a multi-front war with all of my friends (that's how it feels anyway), I have realized just how much I have left to do this semester. Between Saturday night and Wednesday night, I did two take-home tests, two math assignments, two papers, an MS Access project, a lab report, and an online physics assignment. I took a break last night only to realize that I still have 3 more math assignments to do before next Tuesday, as well as doing the physics homework that reverted to 70% credit.
On top of all this, my stock dropped a full $2.08 yesterday. That may not sound like much, but when you realize it has been valued at $9.01 it makes more sense why I was upset.
I could barely move all day today. I nearly fell asleep in a class for the first time all semester... I cannot let that happen when I have already come this far. My knee feels like it has a knife in it for some reason. I don't have any clue what I might have done to it.
Only 2 more days until my birthday. I can hardly wait - I hope it is relaxing, because I need it right about now.
In other news, Ralph stopped by today - he has a... unique... new diet plan. Also, Jerod is apparently gonna be a father. Didn't see that coming. Apparently David has also supposedly been directed here. If you're reading this, hi. I should say that it doesn't bother me at all and in all honesty I didn't ever think it was that obvious, but then I never tried to look for it. Anyway, I should point out that Nicole knows too... I don't know if Amanda would know or not, they don't talk much anymore
I'm not explaining that last paragraph to anyone else.
Now if you'll all excuse me, I think I need to go pass out, but I can't because I have more bloody homework to do.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Lightweight Monday
Well, two of my classes got cancelled today due to illnesses of professors. I guess about half the campus got sick. So I spent most of the day catching up in all my homework. My Physics professor, Bob, opened up the last four homework assignments for 70% credit. I THINK I can actually get an A in that class if I do that.
In other news, McDonald's of Whitewater screwed me over. Last week I bought a double quarter pounder meal (this should be $5.68 at that store), and they charged me $56.88 Someone obviously hit 8 twice on accident. I went in, and they credited me the overage for the day, which was like $35. The rest they are making up in free meals, so I at least got that straightened out.
The bigger problem is my car insurance bill. Apparently due to the accident in May, I now have an $85 dollar charge on every six month premium for three years... Yes, three years. That's about $510, when it only cost me $300 to get the car fixed (a cost which the insurance company paid NO money towards, mind you). Mark is gonna call and bitch them out tomorrow - hopefully it goes well.
Only 5 days until my birthday. I can hardly wait.
By the way, a computer lab should be like a LIBRARY. When I'm on the phone there, I try to be quiet. When you're trying your hardest to concentrate on Physics homework, you shouldn't have to be sitting next to people talking on their fucking cell phones at top volume, damn it!!!
In effect, to the girl down the row from me, SHUT UP!!!
In other news, McDonald's of Whitewater screwed me over. Last week I bought a double quarter pounder meal (this should be $5.68 at that store), and they charged me $56.88 Someone obviously hit 8 twice on accident. I went in, and they credited me the overage for the day, which was like $35. The rest they are making up in free meals, so I at least got that straightened out.
The bigger problem is my car insurance bill. Apparently due to the accident in May, I now have an $85 dollar charge on every six month premium for three years... Yes, three years. That's about $510, when it only cost me $300 to get the car fixed (a cost which the insurance company paid NO money towards, mind you). Mark is gonna call and bitch them out tomorrow - hopefully it goes well.
Only 5 days until my birthday. I can hardly wait.
By the way, a computer lab should be like a LIBRARY. When I'm on the phone there, I try to be quiet. When you're trying your hardest to concentrate on Physics homework, you shouldn't have to be sitting next to people talking on their fucking cell phones at top volume, damn it!!!
In effect, to the girl down the row from me, SHUT UP!!!
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Long Ass Retort
My grandmother's birthday is the 6th as well. She doesn't remember who I am, though... she has Alzheimer's.
Okay, I am going to lay some things to rest now. I mean this as a respectful response... I still use haloscan for commenting, so any horribly offensive attacks toward my girlfriend will be deleted.
Now, on to the issues. I may not be able to say how I feel elsewhere, but nobody can tell me what I can or cannot say here. This is MY journal and mine alone.
Let me just say that I think bringing cutting into the equation was wrong. That said, I must also state my views on all the other issues. First off, agnostics do not have faith. It is our very lack of faith that makes us what we are. We do not believe the existence of God/Allah/Krishna/Zeus can be proven or disproven. True, we do not accept atheism as a cold truth either. However, if we started to have faith in any sort of religion or non-religion, we would no longer be agnostic as it is our questioning nature that garners us the title. Darwin said it best: "The mystery of the beginning of all things is insoluble by us; and I for one must be content to remain an Agnostic."
While I do admit that Christian-bashing is unneccesary, I will state my biggest problem I have with many Christians: They can behave like Army recruiters. Now, this is NOT at ALL true of Paul or Eric, which is why I get along with them without any real religious conflict at all (though Eric and I have had our moments). However, if someone meets me with a response on something involving how I should adopt Christian values, I tend to be bothered by it. I've gotten better about just letting it go, but I'm going to state right now to anyone who thinks I should start living a more Christian life: I have no ill-will toward you, but I am not a Christian. You are not going to convince me to be one. I tried it, I'm not going back to it. Oscar Wilde wrote: "It is grossly selfish to require of one's neighbour that he should think in the same way, and hold the same opinions. Why should he? If he can think, he will probably think differently. If he cannot think, it is monstrous to require thought of any kind from him." Let us just now go our separate spiritual ways and move on.
On to the psychology of Shadow. I have valued my friends as the most important thing in my life for many years and for that reason I hope this post will allow me to reach an understanding with Paul. I've already lost Jon this year, I don't need to lose anyone else. However, it is well known that I am a depressive individual. I need a lot of reassurance. Complementing my shirt says literally nothing of me as a person. Similarly, if I said, "those are awesome boots," yes I suppose it would be a complement to the person who picked them out, but it would be more a complement to said boots. I do not feel any sort of satisfaction when told I am wearing a good shirt other than I at least feel noticable. On a related note, never getting complemented on my DDR ability kind of sucks too. No matter how much I advance, I am always met with a one-up, such as "I'm still better than you" or "you will not ever catch up to me, though." I've frankly all but given up on the game now because I was never given any positive reinforcement by anyone but Jon or Jason, and I have fallen out with Jon and I don't remember the last time I saw Jason. Speaking of Jay, I DO insult him, but I also do complement him (at least I think I do, he can deny it if he wishes - I am a bastard, after all). Also, Jason and I insult each other. I feel that I cannot insult Paul when he insults me because it is often met with anger even if I am just kidding. This tension builds into a great amount of frustration which I don't get when dealing with Jason because we can both let it out on each other.
I suppose that I have gotten complements on how close we are, Paul, yes. But I do often get mixed messages from you, to be sure. For example, here is the exact transcript of that txt msg convo:
Paul - "is whitewater a good place to get an education?"
James - "Depends on the subject"
Paul - "compsci?"
James - "VERY good - If you avoid Dr. Bryan - y u ask?"
Paul - "just curious"
James - "ok"
Paul - "all i hear is blah blah blah"
James - "You mean @ Carroll?"
Paul - "no, I mean from you!"
James - "um, ok..."
Paul - "shut up!"
At this point I stopped texting. Glad I hung onto that, though. It is obvious why the end of that convo confused me greatly. It is also needless to say that responding to my frustration over sarcasm with MORE SARCASM just sets me off even worse, but I just said it anyway.
On the topic of Matt - I realize Matt was defending you, Paul, but he attacked Andrea viciously. Imagine if Jess had made a comment about me she did not really mean (not that she would, but for sake of argument) and that oh... let's say... Ralph responded with: "I don't know you and I don't fucking care. Lay the fuck off bitch." and then referred to the two of you as "sub-par people" (both direct quotes, taken off v3nt), and tell me you wouldn't hold a great deal of animosity toward him. Think about that - how you would feel about Ralph in that situation - and you will realize why I now hate Matt's guts. Defending you or not, I seriously fucking loathe him and I do not think you want me in a room with him. I'm not a violent person but there would undoubtedly at least be a shouting match.
I do regret that I won't make it to the New Year's party (if I am invited)... I will be at Andrea's. Besides, Jon may be there, and though the animosity toward him is not as great as mine toward Matt, it is still there. Besides, if Jon has instructed Laura to block both me and Zach and no longer be friends with either of us, I think it would be in everyone's best interests not to get the two of us in the same room.
Paul, we are still friends as long as you still want to be. I do hope this post did not offend you but I had to get a shitload of stuff off my chest. Differences aside, I feel a lot better now, and I hope this is a step toward our recovery.
Thank you for hearing me out.
-Shadow freakin' OUT.
P.S. David - If you've found me somehow, which I doubt, then just know that I stand behind you in your current pursuit. You know what I'm talking about. Be who you are - true to yourself and nobody else.
Okay, I am going to lay some things to rest now. I mean this as a respectful response... I still use haloscan for commenting, so any horribly offensive attacks toward my girlfriend will be deleted.
Now, on to the issues. I may not be able to say how I feel elsewhere, but nobody can tell me what I can or cannot say here. This is MY journal and mine alone.
Let me just say that I think bringing cutting into the equation was wrong. That said, I must also state my views on all the other issues. First off, agnostics do not have faith. It is our very lack of faith that makes us what we are. We do not believe the existence of God/Allah/Krishna/Zeus can be proven or disproven. True, we do not accept atheism as a cold truth either. However, if we started to have faith in any sort of religion or non-religion, we would no longer be agnostic as it is our questioning nature that garners us the title. Darwin said it best: "The mystery of the beginning of all things is insoluble by us; and I for one must be content to remain an Agnostic."
While I do admit that Christian-bashing is unneccesary, I will state my biggest problem I have with many Christians: They can behave like Army recruiters. Now, this is NOT at ALL true of Paul or Eric, which is why I get along with them without any real religious conflict at all (though Eric and I have had our moments). However, if someone meets me with a response on something involving how I should adopt Christian values, I tend to be bothered by it. I've gotten better about just letting it go, but I'm going to state right now to anyone who thinks I should start living a more Christian life: I have no ill-will toward you, but I am not a Christian. You are not going to convince me to be one. I tried it, I'm not going back to it. Oscar Wilde wrote: "It is grossly selfish to require of one's neighbour that he should think in the same way, and hold the same opinions. Why should he? If he can think, he will probably think differently. If he cannot think, it is monstrous to require thought of any kind from him." Let us just now go our separate spiritual ways and move on.
On to the psychology of Shadow. I have valued my friends as the most important thing in my life for many years and for that reason I hope this post will allow me to reach an understanding with Paul. I've already lost Jon this year, I don't need to lose anyone else. However, it is well known that I am a depressive individual. I need a lot of reassurance. Complementing my shirt says literally nothing of me as a person. Similarly, if I said, "those are awesome boots," yes I suppose it would be a complement to the person who picked them out, but it would be more a complement to said boots. I do not feel any sort of satisfaction when told I am wearing a good shirt other than I at least feel noticable. On a related note, never getting complemented on my DDR ability kind of sucks too. No matter how much I advance, I am always met with a one-up, such as "I'm still better than you" or "you will not ever catch up to me, though." I've frankly all but given up on the game now because I was never given any positive reinforcement by anyone but Jon or Jason, and I have fallen out with Jon and I don't remember the last time I saw Jason. Speaking of Jay, I DO insult him, but I also do complement him (at least I think I do, he can deny it if he wishes - I am a bastard, after all). Also, Jason and I insult each other. I feel that I cannot insult Paul when he insults me because it is often met with anger even if I am just kidding. This tension builds into a great amount of frustration which I don't get when dealing with Jason because we can both let it out on each other.
I suppose that I have gotten complements on how close we are, Paul, yes. But I do often get mixed messages from you, to be sure. For example, here is the exact transcript of that txt msg convo:
Paul - "is whitewater a good place to get an education?"
James - "Depends on the subject"
Paul - "compsci?"
James - "VERY good - If you avoid Dr. Bryan - y u ask?"
Paul - "just curious"
James - "ok"
Paul - "all i hear is blah blah blah"
James - "You mean @ Carroll?"
Paul - "no, I mean from you!"
James - "um, ok..."
Paul - "shut up!"
At this point I stopped texting. Glad I hung onto that, though. It is obvious why the end of that convo confused me greatly. It is also needless to say that responding to my frustration over sarcasm with MORE SARCASM just sets me off even worse, but I just said it anyway.
On the topic of Matt - I realize Matt was defending you, Paul, but he attacked Andrea viciously. Imagine if Jess had made a comment about me she did not really mean (not that she would, but for sake of argument) and that oh... let's say... Ralph responded with: "I don't know you and I don't fucking care. Lay the fuck off bitch." and then referred to the two of you as "sub-par people" (both direct quotes, taken off v3nt), and tell me you wouldn't hold a great deal of animosity toward him. Think about that - how you would feel about Ralph in that situation - and you will realize why I now hate Matt's guts. Defending you or not, I seriously fucking loathe him and I do not think you want me in a room with him. I'm not a violent person but there would undoubtedly at least be a shouting match.
I do regret that I won't make it to the New Year's party (if I am invited)... I will be at Andrea's. Besides, Jon may be there, and though the animosity toward him is not as great as mine toward Matt, it is still there. Besides, if Jon has instructed Laura to block both me and Zach and no longer be friends with either of us, I think it would be in everyone's best interests not to get the two of us in the same room.
Paul, we are still friends as long as you still want to be. I do hope this post did not offend you but I had to get a shitload of stuff off my chest. Differences aside, I feel a lot better now, and I hope this is a step toward our recovery.
Thank you for hearing me out.
-Shadow freakin' OUT.
P.S. David - If you've found me somehow, which I doubt, then just know that I stand behind you in your current pursuit. You know what I'm talking about. Be who you are - true to yourself and nobody else.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Good Month
Well, it's December, my favorite month of the year.
I don't know where November went but I'm gonna enjoy this month. I turn 22 in less than two weeks.
I love having a birthday right before Xmas. With a split family, plus extended family and my friends, it seems like I'm having awesome stuff given to me from all angles for 2 weeks straight (maybe a little longer).
I know this seems materialistic, but I don't really care. I'm just glad that my parents made the effort to differentiate my birthday from Christmas, as I hear that with a lot of people who have December birthdays, the two things blur together.
It's the final month of 2004... I hope it's as good as the rest of the year has been. I've come to the realization that between getting Andrea, a new boss, and a new advisor, this is the best year I've had in a long long time.
More serious stuff later... for now, happy December and happy birthday tomorrow to Eric!
I don't know where November went but I'm gonna enjoy this month. I turn 22 in less than two weeks.
I love having a birthday right before Xmas. With a split family, plus extended family and my friends, it seems like I'm having awesome stuff given to me from all angles for 2 weeks straight (maybe a little longer).
I know this seems materialistic, but I don't really care. I'm just glad that my parents made the effort to differentiate my birthday from Christmas, as I hear that with a lot of people who have December birthdays, the two things blur together.
It's the final month of 2004... I hope it's as good as the rest of the year has been. I've come to the realization that between getting Andrea, a new boss, and a new advisor, this is the best year I've had in a long long time.
More serious stuff later... for now, happy December and happy birthday tomorrow to Eric!
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